I am a little worried as James has returned to his old "practice" of complaining through therapy and "stimming" heavily to ease his anxiety. He complains, almost constantly, but does the work that is requested of him. Although his therapists reassure me, reminding me that me that he has done this before, I am still apprehensive. Actually, I am terrified. Is this the beginning of a downward spiral? I don't know if I can handle that again. Often James' periods of growth are followed by regression. The old two steps forward, one step back. I have seen speech begin and then retreat but then begin again. Oh please, no!
In all of James' advances and improvements, I am most grateful for the re-emergence of the James before the onset of autism. While I delight at any speech or communication, I think I am even more thankful for the return of our happy, lovable, friendly boy: the smiles, the giggles, the approachability. We have slowly watched him emerge from his cocoon of isolation. First with Mommy and Daddy, then with his therapists, and by spring, with children his own age. He even received an award for Friendship at the end if the school year!
I guess I should get over the lump of doom that has settled in the pit of my stomach. I guess I should trust these therapists who have worked with him for years. I guess I should judge by James' actions and not my fears. This week, we had a friend over for dinner that James hadn't seen in about a year. Although James stared at first, he quickly warmed to this "stranger" (did he remember?) and by the end of the evening, everyone had to kiss him goodnight when we tucked him into bed.
This week, I feel that I have been seriously lacking. I even forget his homework on Wednesday! Is this fear affecting my subconscious? Geeze! Hopefully venting out loud will help me . . . well, not forget, (there is no way I can do that), but help me. . . . get past my worries. Not to let fear immobilize my ability to be James' mom and caretaker.
