This Green-Eyed Gal

A mom friend recently asked if i was ever jealous of "normal" kids.  It was one of those moments where I was completely taken aback. Wow.  I never thought about it.  See, we only have one child.  I don't routinely think of James in comparison to other kids.  I am more focused on James' reactions in a situation than on the other kids.

I know his Dad feels this way sometimes.  I can see how he deeply desires to really play ball with his son, something beyond catch.  There is simply no way I am NOT jealous.  I am not that big a person.  I think it is more a case of just not allowing myself the indulgence.  I can not dwell.

When you realize you have a special needs kid, all the hopes and desires you have built up for your newborn are suddenly and seriously dashed.  It is horrendous.  You are petrified and, literally, mourn your loss.  Then you beat yourself up!  Because your kid is alive, and needs help, and there is no time or space for this wallowing.  But you have to - or at least I had to - so you can get up and move on.

We parents need to get over this initial grief because that is the last moment we can waste on "what ifs" and wrap ourselves in the epic disappointment.  Then, when you can, brush yourself off, get going and don't stop.  You will see that your child will excel far above those initial nightmares.  You will be awed by magnitude of the seemingly small developments. Sure, you will see children and situations that outshine your child and your situation.  Unfortunately, you will also see far worse.  It all doesn't matter.  We can't be sick, we can't stop, and we certainly can't die.  Ridiculous but truer false statements have never been spoken.