Dead

As far as James has come, as much as he has told me, my son is still a mystery to me. Autism is brutal and unfair. It keeps him so isolated from life - even in the midst of a chaotic birthday party. I love the iPad and James' communication app (ProLoQuo2Go), but sometimes I worry about the world it has opened up.

James calls typically developing children, "real kids" and he is not. According to James, he is an "autistic monster." He is actually afraid of these kids when they are rough-housing and chaotic. James is quite literal and he does not understand fake fighting. He cannot comprehend violence. It terrifies him.

I think about the advice I have been given by a few medical professionals: to heavily medicate him, to "institutionalize" him, to limit his exposure to the world, to "get on" with my life. . . Even James has told me to "forget" him. Were they - to some extent - right? Would James be happier?

QAnd then it hits me.  Quickly.  Of course not. James would still be a living, breathing human being, but completely trapped in his own head.  He would be even more frustrated and miserable because he would unable to communicate at all. And then, what would happen? Would he turn violent? Would he shut down? There is a sweet spot in hell for these so-called professionals.

But unfortunately, they are not the only ones who segregate my son. Some therapists do it. They think they can alter his schedule without notice and believe it be acceptable. Some relatives do it, horribly shunning us, or subtly by talking at him (loudly as if he was hard of hearing), then turning and giving attention to the kids who can give them instant feed-back.  Some friends do it by shying away because our life is incomprehensible. Some strangers do it by gawking in horror at his manifestations, or even in curiosity, asking questions as if he isn't standing there.

Just because James can't talk doesn't mean he can't hear, can't think, or can't feel. He is listening and he understands.  Just because he doesn't know how to play correctly, doesn't mean he doesn't want to try.  Just because he has autism, doesn't mean he is some clinical science experiment.  James is a real boy, my boy. And I am not giving up.