Five days after that mom approached me, trying to recruit us for her family-run group home, James "said" to me (on his iPad typing screen): "Mommy how come that lady talked to you about that stuff?" After we had a talk, James wanted to hand-write in his "book" aka diary. It took awhile but he got to what was bothering him. Two notes, by "water," James means the ocean, and to him, much to my chagrin, "real kids" are neuro-normal children:
Mommy is mean and she isn't nice. Why can't she just take me to the water? Why can't we just go and not do school? Why can't we just have fun all the time like real kids who can talk and be wild? Why can't I be normal too and happy and loved and content? Mommy makes me do school everyday except when Daddy is home or if I am sick, but I want more fun and less work. Why can't I just be normal kid and not autistic one like everyone else? Why am I different inside and not real to the world? When will I be free? When will I be real? When will I be loved? When will I be water? When will I be water? When will I be water? Water is to be respected. Why can't I be respected like that? Why can't I be powerful like water? Why can't I be mommy or daddy or Kayla or Kathy? Why am I James, the autistic kid who can't talk or make friends? What is the secret to being real, being normal? Why can't I just be a kid who can't talk? Why would anyone want to be me, the autistic kid who is friendless and not real? Why would you want to be my friend when I can't be comfortable in my own skin? What is my good true real mommy going to do with me when she dies and I am alone? Who will love me then? Why am I a problem to be taken care of or gotten rid of? Why can't I grow up and be my own man and take care of myself and not be a big baby? Mommy wants me to control my autism rather than my autism controlling me. Why can't I be normal? Why isn't life fair? What could one do to win? What will you do to help? Why can't we be free? Why isn't the water really cleansing? Are we not water inside? Why can't I just grow up sweet and happy?
(and then a rather angry abstract happened)
Mommy is mean and she isn't nice. Why can't she just take me to the water? Why can't we just go and not do school? Why can't we just have fun all the time like real kids who can talk and be wild? Why can't I be normal too and happy and loved and content? Mommy makes me do school everyday except when Daddy is home or if I am sick, but I want more fun and less work. Why can't I just be normal kid and not autistic one like everyone else? Why am I different inside and not real to the world? When will I be free? When will I be real? When will I be loved? When will I be water? When will I be water? When will I be water? Water is to be respected. Why can't I be respected like that? Why can't I be powerful like water? Why can't I be mommy or daddy or Kayla or Kathy? Why am I James, the autistic kid who can't talk or make friends? What is the secret to being real, being normal? Why can't I just be a kid who can't talk? Why would anyone want to be me, the autistic kid who is friendless and not real? Why would you want to be my friend when I can't be comfortable in my own skin? What is my good true real mommy going to do with me when she dies and I am alone? Who will love me then? Why am I a problem to be taken care of or gotten rid of? Why can't I grow up and be my own man and take care of myself and not be a big baby? Mommy wants me to control my autism rather than my autism controlling me. Why can't I be normal? Why isn't life fair? What could one do to win? What will you do to help? Why can't we be free? Why isn't the water really cleansing? Are we not water inside? Why can't I just grow up sweet and happy?(and then a rather angry abstract happened)
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